Reblog — Day [13 of 3]
A graveyard of all my unwanted feelings. I did not want to visit here again.
It baffles me that I’ve been here for a year. With you.
At times I didn’t want you no more. My aloofness and arrogance thought me better than you. In cases of wealth, intelligence, aesthetics. But I stuck. I’m not sure why. Has it gotten to the poisonous state of comfort?
Whereby happiness isn’t sought in thrills or necessarily happiness, but only knowing.
Matters with money are ugly. Everyone knows. It is often said that problems that can be solved with money aren’t really problems. Is that so?
For celebrations of our becoming, I’d been generous with my gifts yet, not even half of that was returned in value. I feel cruel for complaining. We do not give to receive but how can I look aside that when giving feels so unrewarding?
Yes, I am an awful person. But what is wrong with wanting more? Is it cruel to look after oneself and care for our own joy? I am greedy, I am consumed by materialistic things and know love and care in that way also. It makes me question the longevity now. I’m not sure if I’m able to continue like this. I question how long I can go without joy of the maximum level and without being spoilt with all things tangible and non-tangible all the same.
I do not think I’m wrong.
I am not certain if I’m content.
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— 06 February
"Yes, I was infatuated with you; I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn’t stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my minds, my dreams. And you weren’t having any of those."