Why don’t we talk anymore?

I miss you but I simply find my topics and life of no interest to you whatsoever. Have I struck a wall with you?

I miss you an unbelievable amount. 

Please don’t let go.

A mental contract. A word. A title. What’s the true symbolic meaning?

I have never been anyone’s anything outside of family. Is the idea a comforting one? I don’t know.

I’ve been so unsure. I worry. I mull over things. I think dark undeserving thoughts and begin to wonder if there is any lividity in the way that I think.

As I said before, comprehension is the truest element of what I believe to be love. For adoration and compliments are simple and surface values. How can one delve deeper into the innermost workings of a mind? What makes someone tick? Why? Perhaps I focus too much on minor details, maybe I am over thinking.

But it irks me. Like a recurring nightmare, it is something that won’t go away, something that matters. Ticking inside my mind, it is a priority. When it comes to relationships, with anyone, I am mostly dissatisfied by the lack of mental connection. I mulled the possibility of spending my entire life like that but if I am to enter and commit to another level of relationship I need to find a solution. I may have given myself physically but will I ever find an individual so smart and almost telepathic with a knack of sincere empathy - enough to break and entice me completely?

I wait and I wonder. Though it is only early on, I also worry. When I have no control over things that I crave and desire. When these objectives exist outside of my reach and personal achievement I can only wish that understanding will come with time and patience. It is my greatest bane in life and my only. 

Plus while I am self-indulging in complaints about imperfections I want to demand more. Always more. 

I need someone who is stoic, who is strong, who can’t falter, fall nor lose motivation since I myself am already that person. I would like to know what it feels like to rely on someone else. Be mature with your mind and encounter your problems with grace, dignity, drive and practicality. 

I am someone who wants everything. If you can’t give all then I want nothing at all.

This is how I have always been, I will forgive if you have a change of heart but don’t expect to be welcomed back. My expectations exceed my abilities alone - what I’m asking for may be impossible but I rather that than settle for less. 

He kissed me. 

Time and time again.

And I lay with him.

Once upon a valentines day I was asked again.

I was shy, taken aback, embarrassed and coy.

I’ve been slow with replies, but I know for sure what’s in my heart.

Only that every now and again it becomes distracted with doubt and darkness. After all this time it is still cowardice that judges me best. 
Maybe in time, with all the battles and obstacles I face I will finally realise there is a better me that lies within the future. I will find and become her.